My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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