So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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