apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
