dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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