if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
