6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
