yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Sorry about my life...
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Randomize
