Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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