ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
