Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
