Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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