I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
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