After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
