census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
