Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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