The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
