I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
