Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
