the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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