Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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