you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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