Already got asked if we're dating
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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