Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I forgot how hot balto sounded
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
