Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
