i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
