i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
