walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
