easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
