happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
