planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Randomize
