During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
