My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
