Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
