did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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