We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
