I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
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