I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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