someone get that fucking seahorse.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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