Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
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