I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
