the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
