Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
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