did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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