Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
