Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Sorry my hands just texted you
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
