Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
