Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
her facebook's as public as her vagina
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
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