No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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