I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
