You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Randomize
