I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Randomize
