You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
