If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
