i don't like sucking hair
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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