i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Randomize
