I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
