I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.