I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
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My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
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I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.